So let’s recap!
My previous post was entitled ‘the final hurdle’, and in all honesty during the time I spent writing it , I started overthinking what the title could possibly convey. I mean let’s face it,
I started blogging nearly a year ago and since the past 18 posts or so, I have taken you on my journey from the very beginning until Sebastian's birth. I’ve spent the past year reliving my moments of spending countless hours back and forth in the bathroom checking to see if the pregnancy test line was darker or had even appeared at all.
I’ve taken you to my prayer closet where I have my reminded my own self of what it feels like to be begging one of your parents for something you really want ( in this case something my own money could not buy) .
I’ve tried by best to explain what it feels like to be a menopausal woman at the age of 29, and also what it feels like to face the irony of many people asking if you are pregnant but you only really look that way because the fertility drugs that didn’t work or didnt even result in a pregnancy. The point I’m getting to is somehow all within the past 10 months I have gone as far as talking to you about my birth story .
For every post I’ve written , I’ve always wondered where, or will this end at the point where I can finally write about my rainbow . More so with regards to my most recent post, I feel that writing about this part of the journey almost confirmed my anxieties : that there is no scope to write about anything more . The baby is here , the promise has been fulfilled and we are getting on with life.
And on that thought I’ve also realised that thinking this way is also what has made me realise that emotionally and even physically I’m still very much on this journey .
One of my favourite most beautiful artists on Instagram @peniel_enchill recently posted a series of infertility themed photos that very much summed up in three little bit beautiful squares what I have experienced and encountered over the past few years .
The one that resonated the most was the illustration showing the lady with a pregnancy test and various remarks that were being made to her whilst she endures the the pain, shame and secret struggle of trying to conceive . The picture spoke to so many women and even myself ....
Not because of the past but also because of the future . I genuinely thought that once I had Seb everyone would leave me alone. I felt like I had a certificate to show that my body could do it after all. But from the very day I gave birth I already started to receive uninvited comments.
The midwife who discharged me after birth more or less forced me to start taking contraception after the birth.
“ You need to go on something otherwise I’m going to see you here again in about 18 months, trust me it happens all the time “
Just when I thought it was over as I was wheeled our of the hospital the reception lady said to me ,
“See you next year or so”
That really grated on me, but I let that go until I started to then get the stories . Not like the ones I explained in my ‘just relax and it will happen’, similar fairlytale like content but just a different version of the story, this new version when having a baby after infertility goes like this :
“My friend had her first son/daughter by IVF and literally about 6 months after her baby was born she conceived naturally”
Whilst I do hear so many times that this is true I must tell you that the pressure that I thought would just disappear after the birth has definitely started to build again.
I start to think ,
What if I don’t conceive like these other women who have had miracle natural Conceptions ?
What if this is it for me ?
And those feelings have sometimes not allowed me to enjoy Sebastian because I’m scared of him growing too quickly, meaning I may never get the same opportunity again with another baby.
Even being pregnant with my first baby at the same time as other friends who are now on their second has also reinforced and opened the back door of fear and pessimism as to whether this could happen for me again.
The bottom line is the illustrations from Peniel are so powerful and poignant that they have allowed me to remember that I’m very much still on a journey. I definitely want to grow my family, but what that looks like I don’t know ...
I just beginning to accept that this is an ongoing journey of hope, healing and faith that I will continue to write about.
I don’t know what that looks like but I know taking each step at a time is a good start.
Would really appreciate it you can give me some ideas about future content that you would like me to cover in the comment box below.