Sunday 9th December 8.07am. I’m just here reflecting before I pray and give thanks to God for all his goodness and even his faithfulness for the tougher days.
So far I don’t have much to complain about and I’ve liked 2018 ...
Two years ago , and many years preceding 2016 I dreaded the pending festive season. I love Christmas because it’s about family time and spending quality time together.
Don’t get me wrong , I’ve had my husband for the past 4 years , and each Christmas and new year has been special in its own way. But 2016 was particularly hard because I miscarried after a tough IVF cycle just shy of a month before Christmas.
It doesn’t help that in the midst of your grief and longing for your family to start growing that you see the cutest family Christmas photo shoots , or just a big family getting together and celebrating such a joyous season.
Yes, social media shares a lot of joy and perfect moments that could easily make you feel a way. Don’t succumb to that. It’s beautiful to see but not realistic to aspire to as you don’t know what’s behind that picture or smile.
This is one of the very reasons why I started blogging. I am a shameless selfie taker and ‘happy moments’ capturer (that’s not a word but it fits for me) but I’ve just looked back at some of the photos I posted and you would have never known what was going on.
This picture above was taken two weeks after the IVF cycle that resulted in a miscarriage
As my first Instagram bio caption said;
‘a photograph is a secret about a secret, the more it tells you, the less you know’~ Diane Arbus
Every year , and so the past 3.5 years of trying to conceive ended so painfully when this vision I had for our family became more of a dream than a reality.
In fact I set my self up for disappointment because at points of desperation I was so focused on that perfect conception that would either help me to achieve the positive Christmas miracle pregnancy test, a Christmas baby due date (like who wants their miracle baby to share their birthday on such a special day ..?!), or just the opportunity to show off a huge baby bump in-front of a Christmas tree. I blame Pinterest - see what I mean about social media!
Anyway each year this was far from the truth , and then what it meant is come New Year’s Eve I had forgotten about all the other things that God had blessed me with. I wasn’t able to see the new year through without thinking that once again he had broken his promise.
And more so for 2016, I was just bitter and angry and could only think ‘how could you make me go through this?’.
Considering how different this year will be it really has taught me about seeing little miracles. For me this is what they looked like , and this is what I had to remind myself:
I have a family ,but then my husband is also my family. I had to challenge my thinking with the truth that we were still a family without kids! Moreover at times I bravely had to challenge the thought of asking myself
If we didn’t have kids , would I be content with it being just me and my husband...
Waking up this morning - someone who thought they would, didn’t!
(Sorry if that’s an intense thought to share but it’s true.)
And in context with this post I had to also be grateful about the fact that although we had just lost a baby that we tried so hard for, and my body had gone through so much for; The IVF was successful!
I had a recent radio interview with BBC Radio and I shared the unknown facts that the success rates for IVF are just under 30% for women under 35 with unexplained fertility .
That is significantly low when you think about it , yet on my first round of IVF it was successful despite those odds and losing the baby.
Now putting that into perspective that is definitely something to be thankful for given the fact that after my body rested we could have another round with the frozen embryos.
Now there is so much more to be thankful about when you focus your mind, and whilst it was hard to train my mindset it really helped me through the less happier Christmas’s.
There are many more wishes I have , but I am not in control of that, I am only in control of being grateful for the Now. This or maybe my next post is the penultimate before the Christmas break, but I do hope you can share the message I have for you below to encourage someone else or yourself during your time of waiting (whatever it is you’re waiting for):
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein
God bless you,