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Beautiful Chaos Pt 1

Updated: Apr 6, 2020

Later this month our family was expecting our beautiful baby to arrive. When I learnt about our baby's due date about a week shy of our loss, I imagined all the beautiful events surrounding our 'big day'. Before I had Seb, I had prayed for a summer baby because pinterest had gassed me up to imagine myself in a rainbow pastel coloured room full of decor surrounded by precious friends and family who have been my cheerleaders throughout the beginning of our journey.

I imagined myself adorned in a sunflower/hydrangea crown matched with a cute summer type maxi dress in theme with the occasion, but also something that would compliment my ripe and perfectly round baby bump.

I absolutely loved my last maternity photo shoot and needed to go one step further so I already had the photographers in mind who would capture the perfect moment as they always are fully booked months ahead.

Let's face it, many or some of us can tend to live a life where we plan to the extremes of what social media will tell us. We then disrupt the feed of others once those desired plans and dreams come into manifestation. By this time, most of you who follow me as well as pay attention to what I post would have found out that we were expecting our second baby by exactly what is aforementioned - I planned to announce in a cosy wintery Christmas family photo announcement.

But of course who would have known. that many weeks before those plans and dreams were cancelled, and all be it completely out of my control.

It's crazy to think that the tragedies that happen so suddenly and so quickly, are the longest stories to tell.

It was the beginning of the week in mid September last year and I had just confirmed a date for our first scan to see the baby. I think at this point the reality of everything had sunk in.

The end of the week was a completely different picture when my husband and I were getting ready to spend a weekend in London and after a visit to the toilet I noticed I had a mucus show.

If you've read any of my previous posts touching on my losses, you may understand why I wasn't phased by seeing this.

My thoughts were :

So amongst all the other thoughts the latter is the thought I acted on quickly. I put my feet up, but also called 111 just to be on the safe side.

A few hours later. after adhering to medical advice I was seen by a lovely black female doctor who reassured me that she felt the spotting was due to the early stages of pregnancy and everything would be fine. Interestingly she seemed more intrigued that this was a natural pregnancy considering my unexplained infertility diagnosis and history of assisted conception as well as losses.

After she highlighted how much of a miracle this baby was, this gave me more confidence that everything would be fine. she also kindly booked me in for a reassurance scan at the hospital the following morning.

I returned home that Friday evening and from this point onwards everything changed so quickly, the spotting had escalated to heavy bleeding, I began to experience a bearable but unusual back pain, and so at this point the scan the following morning couldn't come round any quicker. Although the situation started to look less positive, once again I had encouraged myself and genuinely believed that there was no way the outcome of this would be negative. Whether this was down to faith or denial, and I presume more of the former, I couldn't bring myself to think that God thought I was strong enough to endure another loss.

My resounding thoughts were,

I didn't even plan for this baby and you blessed me with a natural pregnancy so there's no way it would make sense for us to lose this pregnancy.

The following morning I began to get dressed for the scan and I woke up faith fuelled. There was no way I was expecting bad news and so just out of excitement to see our baby, I took my first bump picture. I definitely now understand what people mean when they say you show much earlier on your 2nd, 3rd etc pregnancy.

We were called into the scan room soon after we arrived we were met with the longest 5 minutes of my life. The room was silent and the sonographer's screen of fate was turned away from my husband and I. This was the very moment that I could actually testify and say I heard a pin drop. The silence in the room was so eery and all I could do was look at my husband's face with that 'grin and bare' reassurance smile that all was OK even though I new it was possibly not so positive news.

The three words I remember at this point were,

Incorrect dates

Possible miscarriage

Ectopic pregnancy

I was sent away with the the curiosity of wanting to know what the blood test results were to confirm either of the eventualities above,

Many hours later the same day I returned to the hospital at the emergency unit in excruciating pain, to the point that I had to be wheeled into the gynaecology unit. I was prodded and poked and further tests were carried out to ascertain what was going on. As if an IVF cycle made you feel like a pin cushion, this experience far exceeded that.

A few hours later after a late night scan, I just remember the nurse saying to me.

I'm really sorry but you won't be going home tonight, you need emergency surgery as soon as possible. Your baby is in the wrong place and you have internal bleeding.

In the last 32 years I’ve worked here I have seen hundreds of cases like yours and I’m 98% sure this is an ectopic pregnancy.

Whilst I tried to make sense of everything in my mind, I suddenly thought


God how did it get to this ...?

To be continued...

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps ~ Proverbs 16:9


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