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Hope Renewed

So in my first part of the ‘three part special edition' post I spoke about my second cycle of IVF , which in fact was what you would call a ‘frozen embryo transfer’- meaning I was blessed enough to have embryos from my last fresh cycle , so I just needed to defrost, sorry I meant thaw two embryos and have them transferred.

So...notice that I said two embryos? For this post I will explain how the pregnancy was and from beginning to end (in of course the most succinct way possible). However I warn you it was another journey in itself.

So to cut to the chase, most women who have struggled with infertility would say the emotional , psychological, physical effects do not leave once you have a confirmed positive pregnancy test.

I can definitely resonate with that; in fact my test was very positive . There was nothing to doubt about the two lines that I had been waiting for God knows how long. In fact the test line appeared and became bold even before the control line.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I took a clear blue digital and the test window read ‘HELL YEAH’. Lol.

What didn’t make sense is shortly after this, things started to go to a downwards spiral.

So in terms of the chain of events, after my first confirmed positive test at the clinic , I had to have two more blood tests to confirm that my HCG levels were doubling or growing at a good rate. Mine were definitely doing that, to the point my clinic nurse said that my HCG levels were sky high , and she wouldn’t have a doubt that both embryos got comfortable (hence suspected twins).

So just imagine how I felt a few hours after my third blood HCG test when I realised that I had started to bleed.

I can’t begin to attempt to try and explain how I felt .

“No, not again” “I can’t possibly be having another miscarriage”

Dr Google what do you think

The worse thing I could have possibly done was to see the invisible but highly consulted Dr Google that more or less confirmed that for the third time round the end is nigh (yes I’ve had three miscarriages - one via another alternative fertility assisted treatment method).

So I spent many days with my legs crossed because every time I visited the toilet - it was confirming exactly what I wasn’t ready for - I prayed I fasted ( please don’t try that unless necessary when you are pregnant and already have horrific morning sickness) - of course desperate times called for desperate measures. I sacrificed my much longed for food because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another baby or two.

Fast forward to 2 weeks at my six week scan finally and still a lot of blood loss , all I could expect was a miracle and on D Day - there’s so many on the IVF journey, but on this ‘D day’ we saw one little heartbeat flickering away. It was confirmed that the bleeding was due to a vanishing twin, which apparently is more common than you would think. It’s quite hard to say anymore on this in this post so I think I may save it for a another .

I was definitely disappointed that we technically had another loss after suffering and enduring so much.

What made it worse was the fact that when I came out of the scan room a young lady laughed and said ‘omg I can’t believe it’s twins’. You never know what her journey is but I can’t lie. that one hurt...

On balance for me I had to focus on celebrating the small Victories - and this little strong flicker of a heartbeat was one of those victories. From that point onwards I made the conscious decision to be grateful for every single day of my pregnancy for the next 8 or so months.
I didn’t want to be too consumed about every hurdle . I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy , because no matter what may have come my way in the next few months I had come too far to worry about anything.

We didn’t tell anyone apart from the immediate families on both sides. One of the pill that’s that’s hard to swallow (pun intended) is the known, rather than unknown in context of telling the news. After my husband and I going through so much , when we started our IVF Journey we agreed that we would need support from both sides of the family and so we were prepared that we would lose the element of surprise because our families would have already known somewhat that the treatment would have resulted in a pregnancy.

Needless to say we exhausted the element of surprise in how we told them . I can’t make that another post but I can certainly maybe do a post on how to surprise your loved ones with a pregnancy announcement when you are going through fertility treatment.

Once we reached the twelve week mark , how people found out about the pregnancy was a combination of the nosy ‘womb watchers’, us making the decision to tell others and the confirmations from others via weird channels like dreams and all the other unusual stuff .

I really enjoyed my pregnancy even in the hardest times such as having morning sickness until 28 weeks. Weirdly I wouldn’t have changed that, I needed anything to continue reminding me that this rainbow baby , my promise was still hanging in there and here to stay.

It’s known for many women who have been through the journey of infertility to feel bad for expressing how tired and sick they are . The irony is yes while we should have a heart of gratitude amongst many. We still go through the same as what every other pregnant woman goes through. What we don’t prepare ourselves for is the fact that this longed for gestation is bitter sweet in many ways, and that forms part of the journey in some respects.

The last part of that journey ‘the birth’ will be shared in a few weeks on post.

For now I hope this encouraged you or this will encourage someone else you may know .

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