An impromptu post for you, but necessary ...
I've realised that dealing with PTSD means your thoughts run wild, and every thought leads on to another. I'm not concerned , because I'm happy that I can recognise when I start to get to that mode of overthinking, because thoughts can become things - so they say.
What does make me curious sometimes is my thinking process, and how those thoughts started with tasting one of my cherries from my own garden's cherry tree , and all within 0.09 seconds now being swallowed by my anxieties around the detrimental consequences of eating the cherries , which may lead to potential poisoning and death, and if not death, sepsis which will cause one of my limbs... I'll leave it there but I assume you get the message. Whilst this exhibit of my thought process is largely irrational and somewhat concerning, some of you may familiarise with these sudden onsets of intrusive thoughts.
Sometimes they can get so bad, that it leaves me feeling like I am a horrible person.
Why in my right (or should I say wrong) mind would I always be thinking about a worst case scenario?
How could such a good and cheerful thought/idea/memory turn into something so dark and cynical?
The shock from a sudden and traumatic event has a way of making one think that they have lost control. The truth is the act of being in control, albeit premeditated and planned out is actually an illusion. To put it into perspective after experiencing the ectopic, there were so many thoughts running through my head, In fact one of my recent blog posts 'Beautiful Chaos pt 1' ended by me remembering my first thought after waking up from the surgery. I had asked myself,
'God how did it get to this ...?
The reality is whether I stayed away from seafood platters throughout my first trimester , or always remembered to take my prenatal supplements, stayed away from any other potential harm towards me and my baby , I'm learning to have peace that I did all I can within my own self-control and act of care as a mother to protect the two of us.
Beyond that, and actually before that I had no control over guiding the fertilised egg into it's rightful place for the next 9 months, and even if in the future life had a way of preventing ectopic pregnancies, the control that I crave would then be shifted to the remaining term of the pregnancy , to which many other non-desirable eventualities could occur. Consequently I alongside my precious growing bump, would also be carrying the burden of 'control' which is emotionally and mentally heavy.
This is exactly why control is an illusion, because in my very own circumstances, whilst I still battle with thoughts on how it can be avoided, my hardest battle is accepting that it couldn't have been avoided.
We would all agree that every element of our lives allows us to think, and understandably so that we have control over everything, however the journey I have been on has been a humbling road of self-discovery, and as at now my most painful yet greatest discovery is accepting this truth in itself. It is the start to my healing.
Life truly is a mystery, but a beautiful one as that which will take you on the path of many adventures.
"No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it" . –Ecclesiastes 8:17
“Self-control is strength.
Right thought is mastery.
Calmness is power".
~James Allen, As a man thinketh -